Monday 18 March 2013


"SCOPES"
STEVE THE STANDIN GETS A LINE OF  DIALOGUE
ON STARGATE SG1

Our scopes have spotted
Goauld warships
Dropping in from hyperspace.
They will be attacking,
Through the gate,
And through the air,
Within the hour.
Garshaw has ordered
That we destroy the rest of the tunnels
And transport the rest of the Tokra
Through the Chappaii! 


That was the line given to STEVE THE STAND IN on STARGATE.

And what a line.

IT IS A LINE WHICH WILL LIVE IN INFAMY.

I found STEVE THE STAND IN  wandering around the Bridge Studios nervously white knuckling his SIDES.

SIDES are the script in miniature with the days work. They are usually about 8 pages long.

He had been given a line by the DIRECTOR. 

He was having a hard time with the pronunciation and meaning of STARGATE words.  As so many, MEAT PUPPETS (actors) do.

But STEVE THE STAND IN is not an MEAT PUPPET.

He’s a STANDIN.

Most STAND INS stand on their mark for 12 hours a day looking at  the MEAT PUPPETS thinking,

I CAN DO THAT!

I CAN SO DO THAT!

I CAN EASILY DO THAT!

But acting’s not as easy as it looks.

What did that one DIRECTOR say?

You don’t know HOW they do it.

But you know WHEN they’re doing it.

STAND INS tend not to have great job satisfaction. 

Back in the OLD STAND IN days we STAND INS used to have to wait at the end of the meal line until,

all the Cast and Crew,

and Office Staff,

and  all relatives of the PRODUCERS, 

and seemingly everyone else on this planet with a heartbeat who was more important than us went through first.

It was always fun trying to figure out what was in all those empty bowls of food. You could usually tell by looking down at what had been spilled on the front of the Teamsters shirts.

We STANDINS used to refer to ourselves as,

WORTHLESS REFLECTORS OF LIGHT! 

You basically stood on a mark all day and they pointed huge 12 k’s and different lights at you. And if the light reflected off you then you were doing your job.

The only ones incapable of doing this job were creatures with translucent skin, that didn’t reflect light like,

Vampires,

Amoebas,

And Casper the Friendly ghost.

And they probably weren’t union members anyway.

Even Albinos reflected some light.

It didn’t help matters any that the DIRECTOR or the DP would physically grab you and move you around like pieces on a chess board because seemingly you were incapable of following verbal instructions like, move 2 inches to your left.

So generally speaking, STAND INS have issues.

They dream of one day getting ONE line of dialogue so they can walk to the front of the meal line and ask for their man size combo with,

DIGNITY.

Much like that Old Black Women did drinking from that water fountain years earlier.

Actually not like that at all.

Problem was he was too nervous to eat period. In fact he couldn’t even keep down the food he had eaten as a STAND IN the day before. 

In fact he was recreating the food poisoning scene from BRIDES MAIDS right behind the hedge near the front Gate of the Bridge Studios.

Or the post mint scene from  MONTY PYTHONS, THE MEANING OF LIFE, if you want to get carried away.

Glen Hall former goaltender from The Chicago Blackhawks used to throw up regularly before games. In fact the players knew he was ready for a good game whenever he did.

But STEVE THE STAND IN didn’t seem ready.

He was sweating bullets

STEVE THE STAND IN was no more or less a sympathetic character than the rest of us Chumps.

He was just as sarcastic as the rest of us.

He was just as mean as the rest of us.

He did a great impression of TAO the German Focus Puller. When Tao would yell,

VeeLoad za CamRa!

STEVE THE STAND IN would yell,

VeeLoad Za Panzers!

Luckily for all of US, but unfortunately for STEVE THE STAND IN, he came to ME for help, guidance, advice and reassurance.

I find I do my best work when people are their most vulnerable.

He was having a particular problem with the words,

CHAPPAII. 

GOAULD.

AND TOKRA.

CHAPPAII meant STARGATE.

It was pronounced SHA-PIE-EYE.

Or SHA-PIE-EEEEE!

When you’re really nervous you can hit the EEEEE! And hold on it and get rid of the butter flies much like a Kime in Karate.

The CREW used to have fun saying SHA-PIE-EEEEE! All the time.

You get bored working 12 hours a day

GOAULD were the bad guy snakes that would enter peoples mouths and wrap around their spine and control them and make them talk like Will i Am in the Britney Spears new video Scream + Shout.

It was pronounced, GO-AH-OOLD.

Or GO-WAH-OOLD

Or simply GOOLD.

TOKRA were the good guy snakes who would ask permission to enter a human’s mouth before they wrapped around the humans spine and took over. They would allow the human inside to speak in their own voice periodically like in a marriage. 

Sometimes it was a male snake in a man’s body . 

Sometimes it was a female snake in a man’s body. 

Sometimes it was Girl Girl. That was the hottest.

TOKRA was pronounced TOKE- 

(as in DOOBY.)

RA. 

Not that difficult.


I ran lines with him and helped him with the pronunciation. But it didn't seem to help. 

The bullets he was sweating were turning into grenades.

My advice to him was, simply, 

DON”T SCREW IT UP!

Because if you do,

YOU’LL NEVER WORK IN THIS TOWN AGAIN.

And,

NEITHER WILL ANY OTHER STAND IN.

EVER!

He was the, 

JACKIE ROBINSON OF STAND INS!

He wasn’t just doing it for himself. He was doing it so that the next generation of STAND INS would not have to eat LAST in the meal line. 

And as the ALPHA MALE in the STAND IN PRIDE he would be able to procreate with the pick of the litter thereby ensuring his genetic lineage for generations to come.

NO PRESSURE.

I always thought that the Tough Love approach was best, but,

IT WAS LIKE THROWING A CEMENT LIFE PRESERVER TO A DROWNING MAN.

My words hung in the air as he emptied any last bit of yesterdays craft service remaining from his duodenum!

THIS WAS GONNA BE GOOD!

SCOPES.

It was time for REHEARSAL.

One of the perks of getting a line of dialogue was being able to sit in your very own CAST chair.

I remember years earlier sitting in a CAST chair by mistake. The TAD abruptly told me NOT to sit in the CAST chair. And that a good rule of thumb was if your 

NAMES NOT ON IT,

Then,

DON’T SIT IN IT.

But STEVE THE STAND IN was missing out on his big opportunity because he was too busy PACING.

He Paced back and forth.

He never once let go of his SIDES. He clutched them like they were a stack of 100 dollar bills.

MAKEUP had to powder him because his face was already shiny and we hadn’t even BLOCKED yet.

The AD’s yelled,

SECOND TEAM!

STEVE THE STAND IN yelled!

“FLYING IN!”

He nervously rushed to set!

Everyone looked at him like he was an idiot. Today he was officially,

NOT a  STAND IN.

He was a THESPIAN.

Old habits die hard.

STEVE THE STAND IN was introduced to the PRINCIPLE CAST.

He shook hands.

With his LEFT hand because he was clutching his SIDES with his right.

His LEFT hand must have been sweating  profusely because each of the PRINCIPLE CAST discreetly wiped off their hands after shaking.

Having to face the PRINCIPLE CAST for REHEARSAL didn't help things either. Saying your line in front of me was one thing.

But saying it in front of RICHARD DEAN ANDERSON, who you watched growing up on TV and whose huge Winnebago you just walked past to get in here was quite another.

And it’s not like RDA had been through countless BLOCKINGS over the years,

AND IT SHOWED.

The DIRECTOR wanted to RUN THE LINES first.

AND, 

ACTION.

No one said anything. That’s because,

STEVE THE STAND IN has the FIRST LINE.

OOOPS.

EVERYONE looked at him. 

But he didn’t notice because his eyes were burning a hole through his SIDES.

The FIRST AD politely indicated that HIS was the FIRST LINE of dialogue.

STEVE THE STAND IN nervously blurted out the STAGE DIRECTIONS before his dialogue instead of his dialogue.

“THE TOKRA RUSHES IN!”

When STEVE THE STAND IN realizes his mistake his eyes dart around nervously and he rushes to find a spot to RUSH IN from.

The DIRECTOR calmly explains that he doesn’t have to actually rush in for the REHEARSAL. They can just run their lines where they’re standing.

Which is the actual definition of RUNNING LINES.

STEVE THE STAND IN then stands a bit too close to the PRINCIPLE CAST.

A bit of a CLOSE TALKER.

HE doesn’t look at all well.

The PRINCIPLE CAST instinctively collectively take a tiny step back.

TAKE 2,

AND,

ACTION.

STEVE THE STAND IN DOESN’T rush in and starts to READ his dialogue.

He is holding the SIDES really close to his face like he is near sighted with BOTH hands.

“Our SCOPES have spotted, 

GGGOOOLD,.”..

STEVE THE STAND IN has trouble with all the tough words,

And the, not so tough words.

The DIRECTOR calmly explains that everyone has trouble with that SCIFI TECHNO BABLE. 

And not to worry.

STEVE THE STAND IN continues.

It seems like he might have a bit of a stammer.

At least it sounds like it as HE stumbles through the dialogue like COLIN FIRTH from KINGS SPEECH.

The DIRECTOR calmly tells STEVE THE STAND IN to just skip to the end of his dialogue for the sake of the blocking.

STEVE THE STAND IN nods and practically yells,

CHAPP-EYE-EEEEEEE!

MARTY BOOM GUY perks up.

MARTY BOOM GUY looks like one of the HANSEN BROTHERS from the movie SLAP SHOT except for the white tape on his glasses.

He has black tape on his glasses.

Kidding.

He mentions that STEVE THE STAND IN really puts the DICK in DICTION because he’s a CUNNING LINGUIST.

MARTY BOOM GUY gets special pleasure from other people’s misery. That’s why we luv him so much.

They CUT on REHEARSAL.

The PRINCIPLE CAST begins their long arduous journey back to their WINIS just outside the STUDIO doors.

A couple of them stop to give STEVE THE STAND IN a supportive pat on the back. 

HE must be already sweating through his WARDROBE because they discreetly wipe off their hands again.

THE SCRIPT SUPERVISOR quickly RUSHES over to STEVE THE STAND IN to RUN LINES!

THIS IS GONNA BE EVEN BETTER THAN I THOUGHT.


When we came back from lighting, STEVE THE STAND IN was still running LINES with the SCRIPT SUPERVISOR.

They hadn’t let up for an hour.

STEVE THE STAND IN was looking like JIMMY STEWART’S UNCLE BILLY in IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE after he had lost the $8000.

He was looking exhausted and beat up and didn’t have any strings to pull off his fingers.

And we hadn’t even rolled camera yet.

Luckily for STEVE THE STAND IN they were going to shoot the  “A” SIDE first. That is they were going to SHOOT the PRINCIPLE CAST then turn around.

That’s how they shoot movies. You shoot a wide MASTER to establish geography. Then you shoot the  “A” SIDE and all the coverage (close ups etc). Then you turn around and shoot the “B” SIDE.

This would give STEVE THE STAND IN more time to REHEARSE OFF CAMERA with less pressure.

AND,

ACTION!

STEVE THE STAND IN RUSHES IN OFF CAMERA for EYE LINE for the PRINCIPLE CAST.

He's still clinging to his SIDES like it's his blanky.

But he stomps his feet so loud that it is too distracting for the PRINCIPLE CAST who are ON CAMERA.

So SOUND has to put a carpet down to muffle the sound.

But STEVE THE STAND IN trips on the carpet. So they tell him just to STAND on his mark and the PRINCIPLE CAST will just CHEAT the EYE LINE.

AND, 

ACTION!j

STEVE THE STAND IN immediately starts to READ his dialogue!

CUT!

The DIRECTOR explains that STEVE THE STAND IN has to delay a beat before he does his dialogue to give the PRINCIPLE CAST a chance to CHEAT their EYE LINE.

AND,

ACTION!

STEVE THE STAND IN delays his dialogue a beat and starts to READ from his SIDES.

But STEVE THE STAND IN never looks up once. He just READS from his SIDES which he holds a few inches from his face like a deer caught in the headlights.

CUT!

The DIRECTOR explains that STEVE THE STAND IN should glance up at the PRINCIPLE CAST every now and then so they have someone to react to while ON CAMERA.

AND, 

ACTION!

STEVE THE STAND IN forgets to delay a beat, but who cares and starts to read from his SIDES immediately.

STEVE THE STAND IN stops reading and looks up at the PRINCIPLE CAST but it appears as though he has a LAZY EYE!

He’s never looked up before so no one noticed. Or, lack of sleep and nerves has made it appear as though he has a LAZY EYE.

This causes some of the ON CAMERA PRINCIPLE CAST to go CROSS EYED looking at him.

CUT!

After a brief discussion with the PRINCIPLE CAST the DIRECTOR tells STEVE THE STAND IN that he doesn’t have to look up, ever, he can just read from his SIDES.

AND, 

ACTION,

STEVE THE STAND IN again forgets to delay a beat but again who cares and starts to read from his SIDES immediately.

But STEVE THE STAND IN is taking forever to read his LINE. As he stumbles through his dialogue OFF CAMERA the PRINCIPLE CAST has EGG on their faces waiting to say theirs ON CAMERA.

In fact it's a full fledged omelette.

And it's all over the PRINCIPLE CAST MEMBERS FACES.

And they're totally Lactose intolerant.

Plus whenever a member of the PRINCIPLE CAST says their dialogue STEVE THE STAND IN screams,

CHAPP-EYE-EEEEE!!

Which causes an OVERLAP.

SOUND has to,

CUT!

Finally the DIRECTOR tells STEVE THE STAND IN that while we’re ROLLING he should just,

STAND OFF CAMERA.

DON’T MOVE.

DON’T SAY ANYTHING.

DON’T EVEN LOOK AT THE PRINCIPLE CAST.

At this rate he won’t be a candidate for an OFF SCREEN EMMY.

AND,

ACTION!

STEVE THE STAND IN JUST STANDS OFF CAMERA.

STEVE THE STAND IN DOES NOT SAY ANYTHING.

STEVE THE STAND IN DOES NOT EVEN LOOK AT THE PRINCIPLE CAST.

CUT-PRINT-MOVIN ON!!

TURNING AROUND ON STEVE THE STAND IN!

MARTY BOOM GUY has a shit eating grin on his face!

This is gonna be,

EPIC!

STEVE THE STAND IN is standing on his mark.

A CAMERA TURN AROUND can be an amazing thing.

Suddenly the whole CREW is busy doing something.

The DOLLEY GRIP is pushing and pulling the CAMERAS to their new marks.

The ELECTRICS are carrying huge lights and pointing them in the opposite direction.

The CAMERA DEPT. is changing batteries and reloading.

The GRIPS are setting up huge bounces and flags.

The AD’s are shuffling actors to and fro.

SOUND is miking the actors or checking the BOOM.

It seems like a bunch of Army Ants.

And in the middle of it all was,

STEVE THE STAND IN.

He was truly in the Eye of the Storm.

Because every piece of equipment,

And every eye in the building was looking right at,

HIM!

The FOCUS PULLER was measuring,

HIM!

VIDEO VILLAGE was looking at,

HIM!

All the TV MONITORS had an image of,

HIM!

He had a look on his face that defied description.

It appeared to be a combination of,

FEAR,

and,

MORE FEAR.

STEVE KOOGEN  seems to have captured that look in a lot of his movies. Especially in TROPIC THUNDER as the DIRECTOR just before the GRIP punched him in,

THE FACE!!

STEVE THE STAND IN was truly the lamb being led to slaughter. 

He appeared to be almost a Christ like figure. But instead of being crucified for our sins. He was being crucified just for

OUR AMUSEMENT.

And nothing more.

And all the while the SCRIPT SUPERVISOR kept going over his LINE. Over and over and over again.

Our SCOPES have spotted,
GOAULD warships,
Dropping in from hyperspace.
They will be attacking,
Through the gate,
And through the air,
Within the hour
GARSHAW has ordered,
That we destroy, 
The rest of the tunnels,
And transport the rest of the, 
TOKRA,
Through the,
CHAPP-PIE-EEEEEE!!

We were lit.

Suddenly the moment was at hand.

It was like BEN CROSS in CHARIOTS OF FIRE kneeling at the starting line looking down the length of the 100 yard lane to the finish line.

All the training,

All the sacrifice,

Had come down to this moment.

VIDEO VILLAGE was standing room only. Packed with curiosity seekers and ambulance chasers sensing history was in the making.

Even every last member of the PRINCIPLE CAST was OFF CAMERA on their marks.

For a DAY PLAYER.

Seemingly out of some morbid curiosity.

When ordinarily they’d be just,

PIECES OF TAPE ON A MAT BOX.

The PROPS DUDE gives STEVE THE STAND IN his wobbly Staff Weapon.

He then has to pry the SIDES out of his seemingly lifeless stiff fingers.

AND WE ARE,

ROLLING.

CAMERA sees STEVE THE STAND HIDING. He needs to back up so he's totally OFF CAMERA so he can make a CLEAN ENTRANCE.

DIRECTOR tells him to back up A LITTLE MORE.

A LITTLE MORE.

HE's OUT.

AND

ACTION!

STEVE THE STAND IN flies around the corner carrying his wobbly STAFF WEAPON.

But he stops 3 feet short of his MARK!

The FOCUS PULLER looks at the DIRECTOR.

The DIRECTOR tells him that he missed his MARK and to enter again.

STEVE THE STAND IN looks down and appears surprised that there's a mark there at all.

A HUGE ONE.

The same one that's been there all along.

Through the whole hour long lighting set up.

HE rushes back to ONES!

A CAMERA ASSISTANT rushes out and puts down an even BIGGER MARK.

Again CAMERA still sees STEVE THE STAND IN hiding around the corner.

He backs up.

A LITTLE MORE.

A LITTLE MORE.

ACTION!

STEVE THE STAND IN flies around the corner carrying his wobbly STAFF WEAPON.

HE lands right on his mark because he's,

LOOKING RIGHT AT IT.

He doesn't even try to put his hand over his eyes like PETER FALK used to do on COLUMBO.

The DIRECTOR tells him not to look down at his MARK.

STEVE THE STAND IN rushes back with his WOBBLY STAFF WEAPON,

doesn't totally clear shot, and

ENTERS without a clean entrance before the DIRECTOR can call ACTION

But who cares.

STEVE THE STAND IN runs WAY past his MARK.


WAY PAST MINIMUM FOCUS,

HIS FACE TOTALLY FILLS THE FRAME.

He slams on the brakes and his wobbly

STAFF WEAPON SMASHES INTO THE MAT BOX!

CUT!

THE DIRECTOR tells PROPS to get a stiff STAFF WEAPON and is disappointed to hear it's FLYING IN FROM THE TRUCK instead of already being on SET.

TAKE 2.

AND, 

ACTION!

STEVE THE STAND IN flies in,

HITS HIS MARK, 

Looks RDA in the face and,

TOTALLY FREEZES!!

CUT!!

This goes on 

TAKE,

AFTER TAKE,

AFTER TAKE.

He just couldn't get the LINE

He could get one part of the line on one Take  And another part of the LINE on another TAKE, But NEVER the whole thing.

He always got,

SCOPES

And 

CHAP-EYE-EEEEE!

But nothing much in between.

It was like sitting in the half filled life boats from The TITANIC, listening to the screams of the people drowning and not going in for the rescue until the screaming stopped.

It was like DAVID HEDISON on the original FLY yelling,

"HELP ME! HELP ME!!

It was like,

FALLING!

But not just a little fall off the chair like in INCEPTION,

But a huge FALL like in the VAN going off the bridge in INCEPTION in SUPER SLO MO.

It was like ROCKY taking punishment round after round from APOLLO CREED screaming for Burgess Meredith to,

“CUT ME!”

It was like STAR TREK, the JJ ABRAMS version, being sucked,

DEEPER,

AND, 

DEEPER,

Into the,

BLACK HOLE!!


TAKE 30.

VIDEO VILLAGE is PACKED!!!

It is a FIRE MARSHALL'S nightmare!

All the different Departments including the office staff were jammed behind the monitors.

Even the TEAMSTERS had torn themselves away from CRAFT SERVICE.

It was like all of the MEXICAN SOLDIERS at the end of BUTCH CASSIDY and The SUNDANCE KID riding in to kill,

DOS HOMBRES?

STEVE THE STAND IN was drenched.

It was like ALBERT BROOKS from BROADCAST NEWS on STEROIDS/SQUARED!

Even some members of the PRETTY DEPT who were sympathetic at first were having a hard time keeping a straight face.

HE had to change his WARDROBE and his UNDERWEAR!

HAIRDRYERS were going round the clock!

The SCRIPT SUPERVISOR continued to run lines.

STEVE THE STAND IN was looking every bit the beleaguered DIVA.

The PRODUCER looked at his watch and the FIRST AD. This was it.

The LAST TAKE.

Everyone clears.

STEVE THE STAND IN ready's himself.

AND, 

ACTION!

STEVE THE STAND flies around the corner carrying his Staff Weapon revealing,

THE WHOLE SHOOTING CREW,

CAMERA, 

FOCUS PULLER,

MARTY BOOM GUY,

PRINCIPLE CAST,

All standing with their 

BACKS TO STEVE THE STAND IN!!

THEY ARE FACING AWAY FROM HIM,

Because they couldn't face him anymore. They had tears in their eyes from trying not to laugh.

It was like being in Church or at a funeral when you're not allowed to laugh. But you can't help yourself!

Just the Pitter Patter of his feet alone coming around the corner causes them all to,

LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY!!

Their,

SHOULDERS ARE SHAKING!!!

FACING AWAY FROM STEVE THE STAND IN!

STEVE THE STAND IN  totally flustered, yells out,

"LINE?!"

Then the whole CREW including members of a TECH SURVEY from another show recite, without even looking at any SIDES,

STEVE THE STAND IN’s LINE.

OUR SCOPES 
HAVE SPOTTED
GOAULD WARSHIPS
DROPPING IN FROM HYPERSPACE
THEY WILL BE ATTACKING
THROUGH THE GATE
AND THROUGH THE AIR
WITHIN THE HOUR
GARSHAW HAS ORDERED
THAT WE DESTROY
THE REST OF THE TUNNELS
AND TRANSPORT THE
REST OF THE TOK'RA 
THROUGH THE,
CHAPP-EYE-EEEEEEEEEE!!

IN PERFECT HARMONY.

STEVE THE STAND IN looks at the CREW totally defeated.

EVERYONE ON THE CREW COULD DO THE LINE PERFECTLY.

EXCEPT HIM!

This totally eliminated any remote chance that he might ever be able to do it himself.

IT WAS OVER.

He rushed around the corner and ENTERED one more time.

But mercifully his Staff Weapon hits the top of the Set and he,

SMASHES HIMSELF IN THE HEAD!!!

DOWN GOES STEVE THE STAND IN!!!

HE’S DOWN FOR THE COUNT.

The DIRECTOR was laughing so loud he couldn't even yell cut.

MARTY BOOM GUY had a look of total satisfaction on his face. He had seen it all before. But he'd never seen THIS before.

The place emptied in a hurry.

It was like exiting a hit Broadway Play.

Everyone had gotten their money's worth.

When the show aired they 

LOOPED and,

TOTALLY CUT AROUND STEVE THE STAND IN.

The audience didn't SEE him.

The audience didn't HEAR him.

It was like he had never existed.

Except in the hearts and minds of everyone who was there that day.

It was like the JFK assassination.

Everyone knew where they were that day.

We had T Shirts made up. On the front was inscribed....

OUR SCOPES
HAVE SPOTTED
GOAULD WARSHIPS
DROPPING IN FROM HYPERSPACE
THEY WILL BE ATTACKING
THROUGH THE GATE
AND THROUGH THE AIR
WITHIN THE HOUR.
GARSHAW HAS ORDERED
THAT WE DESTROY
THE REST OF THE TUNNELS
AND TRANSPORT
THE REST OF THE TOK'RA 
THROUGH THE
CHAPP-EYE-EEEEEEE!!!

Below was a TOMBSTONE

And on it an inscription:

                          R.I.P.
STEVE THE STAND IN’S ACTING CAREER!!!

To this day when an Actor goes off on his or her LINES the AD will cue his mike and say,

"SCOPES."

And EVERYONE will stop what they're doing and RUSH TO SET!!!

SCOPES!!!!!


(NOTE- STEVE THE STAND IN became a successful business man renting out his condos for Actors to live in while they’re shooting in town. He’s now richer than all of us.)

















1 comment:

  1. OMG that was hysterical...I was crying I was laughing so hard! Thanks Dan I needed that! ;)
    Tracy (aka second team...dumb blonde)

    ReplyDelete